Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Religion Issue

My daughterwon't be raised a Muslimah without her father.

It will be already saddening for her that her father left. She'll already feel the discrimination at being of half-Arab parentage, and fatherless; I can't let her go without the catholic celebrations that her class-mates will be enjoying.

To start with communion. The girls are dressed like brides, and have parties thrown in their honour. How will my Baby feel seeing the other children excited about this rite of passage, anticipating their glorious dresses and maybe trips to Euro Disney or big parties with their family or friends? Can I inflict that sense of unbelonging on her? No, I can't; I'll give her a happy life - with ballet lesson, pretty dresses, parties and trips abroad. I've always loved working, and I'd love to work to give me and my baby the life we deserve; the happiness we deserve

Monday, September 18, 2006

Emptiness is...

the feeling of glancing on my hand and notice that the glimmer of the gold wedding ring is no longer there.

The realisation that I'm alone brings emptiness.

I know my husband is a great guy, and I'd love to give my marriage a second shot; but at what price to me? Will I be hanging on emotionally, only to be heartbroken again and left with too big a mess to deal with later?

Freedom? Loneliness?

I've been alone for a week now. boy, do I hate it?
The loneliness of having no one. I wake up to the sound of my daughter rooting; and there isn't a strong male body next to me snoring and breathing and keeping me warm.

I make a coffee, one coffee, not two. I always put two sugars, thinking I'm doing coffee for Ali, and then I realise that no, its only my coffee, and I don't like sugar in my coffee.
There's no one to kiss goodbye when he's going to work. No one to bother about cooking him dinner. I'm not cooking dinner for myself, so I have a sandwich instead or I eat with Mum.

There's no where to go. Alone. It is sad. A lone woman and a baby - where can they go?
There's no one to socialise with, having long since dropped out with olf friends who were unmarried and childless, as we had nothing in common.

I had a haircut and colour, and there is no one to tell me that I look beautiful. I waxed my legs, and there's no one to see them and caress them.
I washed Am and put her in some pretty new clothes, and there was no one to call her 'Daddy's Princess'

To have someone who loves me. I thought I had that, but it is gone, like a puff of smoke, like a fire work, like a wave that has broken on against the shore, like sand blown in the wind.
I had it, and its gone, and I don't like it.


This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to take.
But I have to take it.

Ali has been slack with paying the rent, bills were piling up. He's got no excuse now. I married him legally, so now he has a right to work in Malta - he does work - and he works very hard - but he is just so irresponsible with money. I never ask for anything for myself. But the bills have to be paid. And Ana needs her nappies and her milk, and sometimes we have to call the doctor and buy her medicine. He has to take care of her, if he is a father he has to put her first.

My parents had done a big sacrifice in accepting him, and in helping him settle into life with us, helping him become assimilated with our culture (since we are living here we wanted him to be comfortable); they even paid for our walimah, when it was his family should have given our walimah - but they didn't want to, and my parents did not want their only daughter to go without a nice wedding.

Our relationship continued to deteriorate. I blamed the fact that a new baby puts pressure on every marriage - and with a cross-cultural marriage things are more difficult. We fought a lot, but I always said 'sorry,' even when things were not my fault, and tried to make him happy. I tried, I tried!!!! I tried everything to make him happy, but nothing did. All he did was complain about everything. Everything. No food, too much food, the way I iron his clothes, the coffee is hot, blah blah blah.

Then one day he hit me. I was carrying the baby in my arms and he hit me because I didn't give her to him so that he could give her the bottle! He was already late for work, so I said, 'no you go to the shower and I'll do this'
He hit me on the head with the bottle.
He hit me in the nose, breaking my spectacles and I got fainted. Thank God I was near the bed and fainted on the bed, otherwise I could have killed my baby.

I know we were having a very difficult time with a new baby and living with my parents. It is never a good idea to live with another family, especially if there is religious differences.
But we were going to live there until I go back to work (6 months) and then we could buy our own beautiful dream-house.

And then on Monday we had a quarrel. Over a present for my grandmother. He said I had spent too much money, which should have been used on some nappies for Am. We quarrelled, he got hold of a suitcase full of his clothes and left, saying he is never coming again.

Now he has found a different flat, and wants us back.

I am not sure what to do. I admit living with my family was hard for him, but he was quick to get very angry and leave.
My parents certainly don't want him back.
And I don't want to have to go to work so soon. I want to spend another 6 months with Am. I was careful to save that money, it will give Am and I a good life - but I don't want to spend any of that money on him.

My baby is my priority now. Why would I live with someone who is practically making me work? Why was he not happy to see me contented and happy, and why did he deal with the situation in such an immature way?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Real Clutter

Own-closet management is the only thing asked from Ali; otherwise I'll do everything around the house myself. Why Oh Why can't he be neat?!

Go ahead, Highlander, show us your closet! You've showed a great deal so far.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Which Sports Car Are You?

Highlander's on about cars.
Found this link on Maiuna's Blog and decided to have a go at it

I'm an Audi TT!

You're not the fastest, nor the most nimble, but you're cute and you have style. You're not intensely competitive, but when you pass by, everyone turns to look.


Sunday, September 03, 2006

Letter to Mother in Law

Daer MiL

We've known each other for a few years now. Yet things have not come full circle between us. Sure, we meet very occasionally, and there is the language barrier where "Naam?" is what we say most frequently in our attempts at making conversations.

But there are things that transcend cultural and linguistic barriers.

First thing is we have to keep in mind our cultural differences. Culture plays a big part - down to how we wash our floors even! I don't wash my floors like you do; yet my house is not cleaner than yours, and your house is not cleaner than mine. I don't like lamb, so I don't cook it - yet Ali has gained weight on my chicken and beef, and he relishes your lamb stews whenever he eats with you; honest, I'm not starving him!

Then there are the issues which do not concern Ali, but which are just between you and me. I'm not a hijjabi, and I resent that you make me a scene because I don't wear gloves when I'm visiting in Libya. I wear hijjab out of respect - even in the house because of your other sons - although I hate being covered in the comfort of home - but please don't try to make me do things I really resent. Black gloves and thick black socks are out!
Don't give me fake jewellery just to give me something. I'm not jealous of Widad that you gave her so much gold. If you don't want to spend on me, then don't; but taking me for a fool is offensive.
I'm not your daughter that you can shout at me and order me around; I take that form my mother who's given me life, and who's showed me enough love to last beyond one lifetime, but I won't take it from someone I consider a stranger.

In return I promise to not be jealous if Amnah shows you love and affection. I promise to keep a balance between you and my own mother where Amnah is concerned.
I'll show more eagerness when Ali suggests we visit Libya.
As a sign of personal goodwill I'll even try to eat on the carpets with you, and I won't send the sofray flying across the living room again - although I swear it was an accident - I had never eaten on the floor like that.

Please understand that I really love your son - so thank you for raising him into the man he is. You changed his nappies, fed him, and took care of him, and you took the leather belt onto his behind when he showed signs of disobedience and rebellion, until he's a greatfamily man now. So thank you! For that I genuinely thank you!

Saturday, September 02, 2006


On Highlander's request

Amnah's feet.

Ho, no!! You are NOT seeing MY feet! And I don't own any shib-shib either - I'm all the time bare foot in the house, except in the bathroom, and then I use Ali's significantly huge shib-shibs

Ali's New Job

Finally DH's been accepted to work in the Registrar of Company's Office at the Libyan Embassy in Malta. The salary is slightly lower, but he doesn't suffer the sunshine, and the hard physical labour - AND he doesn't bring a ton of dust to the house aymore. Only I got more shirts to iron, but its ok. I'm happy for him. Alhamdulillah.