Random Thoughts

Interview

2007-02-06T10:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow.
4pm.

Its a job I reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyy want to do.
Not a job.
A carreer!!!
I really want to do well.

Will report on what happened tomorrow when its over.

Just When You think nothing can go wrong...

2007-01-18T02:38:00.000-08:00

After 3 days stuck at home, a miserable baby who won't sleep or eat AND paying 174Euros for a new car seat, this morning I was really looking forward to going to the market with my aunt. The irritable baby seemed happy to be going out as well.
This evening I had planned on leaving ym daughter with my mother while I go for a yoga lesson and then go for a coffee with my book, wind down a bit, not hear any crying and whimpering after being stuck with a miserable baby 24/7. I was just sooo delighted this morning.

So, in bright sunshine, smiling and delighted, I buckled the shining new car-seat, prepared a few ice-cubes of pureed vegetables, and set out.

GROAN

My car wouldn't start.
The guy from the garage next door said the battery is flat.

Now I've been getting a lot of flat batteries lately - not because I forget the lights on or anything, simply the battery is old and is dying when I don't use the car for more than a couple of days.

So now - 35-40 Euros for a new battery. When I'm still on unpaid maternity leave.
On top of the lawyer's fees.
Constantly buying nappies and milk.
Clothes for the baby.
The new car seat.

And I'm stuck at home with the baby tonight as well, so much for the planned yoga lesson and coffee break away from home!

Keith Ellison

2007-01-17T01:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday HardTalk on BBC interviewed Keith Ellison - a black Muslim Democrat Congressman from Minnesota.
He was articulate and gave good applaudable answers with respect to medical insurance, medicine availability, education.

Being a Muslim convert he was sworn in using Thomas Jefferson's Koran.

Virgil Good, the Virginian Congressman shot off his mouth saying something alongside the lines of Let one do it, they'll all be doing it.

The United States has proved to be a success story in multi-culturalism. Irish, Italians, Hispanics, Natives, Creoles, Blacks, Pakistanis, Indians, Arabs, Chinese, Japanese, Jews, and more, all flooded there and live together peacefully.
Agree or disagree with the War on Iraq, the same is being attempted in Iraq. A country artificially planned in the Treaty of Versailles, without thought to the different population denominations that make it up - the hope is that will be the next America of the Middle East - where Shiia, Sunni, Kurd, Christian, What-Not live together in peace, in a modern democracy that respects the different needs of the different people making up the state.

MashaAllah / God Bless

2007-01-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

She's beautiful.
Everyday she learns something new.

One day we'll travel to Libya together - I'll take her to her Grandfather, the dear old Baba Salem's grave, I pray for him and still love him like my own father, whatever happened with his son.

We'll travel a lot together - Finland to meet Santa Claus, Euro Disney, and if she loves the ballet like her mother does, and dances it as well as her mother did (until I became too fat for ballet) we'll go to Russia together.

I won't bother her with too much religion.
She's too young for that.

I'll teach her values - to ba a good girl with values, with love in her heart, with wisdom in her head, with compassion in her speech.
That's a good Muslimah. That's a good Christian girl. That's a good Jewess, even. A good whatever.
Goodness transcends religious denomination.

Everyday Life

2007-01-02T05:50:00.000-08:00

Aminah and I are doing great.

The little everyday things we do together.
Wake up, feed of cereal; we go to the shops, play together, then we do some fresh vegetable purees, she sleeps an hour while I take care of the clothes and some other errands that need to be run.

In the evening my parents come home from work, more playing with Anna, more activities together - sometimes we go out; for a walk, to visit relatives, or we stay at home reading stories.

She sleeps, I stay up for some more hours reading a good book (I'm back to reading Jeffrey ARcher adventures, after a long time reading heavy literature by the likes of Ian McEwan and Zadie Smith) or watching television.

Yes, that's the time I most miss Ali - the Ali I married in the beginning who talked to me and joked with me, not the Ali he had became towards the end.

Time to fall in love again....???

2006-11-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

Ali's been gone for more than 2 months now. Sometimes I find myself thinking about him - of our walks in Sabratha, of his coffee with two sugars, his voice, his singing in the shower...

But sometimes I find myself thinking forward.

My old friend Carlos.
The attraction was there. We always found each other great company. But he is 10 yrs older than me, and he was divorced with a daughter, so back before Ali, it was a tall order, and we kept it as friends.

But now...

We're meeting in London very soon. He's as excited as I am that we're meeting again, and while I'm making coffee, I don't just think, Ali likes two spoons of sugar, but I think, Hmm, Carlos doesn't like sugar.

Happy Birthday

2006-10-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, Dear Elena,
Happy Birthday to you.

I will only sing with the typewriter, not with my voice

London Calling

2006-10-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

Yipeeeee!!!!

My Aunt Maria is going to London for a week, and has invited me to join. As it is the week of my birthday my parents are paying my airticket, so I only need to bother about the accomodation, food, and spending money to get some nice clothes and toys for my baby. Malta is quite a small market, so we don't get a lot of the brands one finds in the UK.

Also my friend Carlos, half Spanish half Puerto Rica has a month of holidays so he is going to join me there for the week. Our frienship goes back many year, so it is going to be funny fighting over politics and playing practical jokes.

I just sooooo love my family, they are really great, and they are giving me so much support now that I need them, even though I hurt them a lot when I chose Islam over what they had given me. They didn't turn their backs on me, but accepted our differences and are being a rock of strength for me.
I can't wait to be in the UK. Normally, London is definately not my favourite city, but I know I'm going to enjoy it a lot this time.

Messy Monster

2006-10-20T00:07:00.000-07:00

And that's just the beginning

Weaning

2006-10-18T00:16:00.000-07:00

So I sat down to a bowl of soup, my baby next to me in her chair.

As I raised aspoon to my lips, I hear her 'togroz' Aha! Aha! Aha! She was saying.
I take a small plastic spoon, and offer her some. She opens her mouth wide and tastes the vegetable soup with gusto. She does the 'Aha!' sund again. And I give her more.

The following morning I phone the pediatrician.

He recommend I give her baby rice cereal for the next moth before I try to give her vegetable purees.

I'm really looking forward to making baby purees with vegetables and fruits mashed into a pulp into baby milk.
Later on will be adding fish and chicken, but that comes much later.

Right now I'm concentrating on a few spoonfuls of baby rice every morning. She relishes her breakfast - and hey! it smells nice enough to tempt even me!

Goodbye My Lover

2006-10-15T02:25:00.000-07:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

Ali, please respect me enough to say Good Bye. When the going got too tough, you left. Now let me get on with my life, allow me to heal. I love you too much to let you go, but it is better than we continue hurting each other. Please say good bye and let me go; and one day we will look upon our days together and remember them as the happiness of when we were very young.

Por Tangos

2006-10-13T02:51:00.000-07:00

Y venga a navegar conmigo
Por que sin tu amor me siento
Como un barco
al mar perdido

Another Tag from Ayalguita

2006-10-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

What is your middle name? Raquela
How big is your bed?King Size! I hate it so big for just me
What are you listening to right now? Edith Piaf
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? 1606 - my daughter's birthdate - 16th June
What was the last thing you ate? I only had coffee
Last person you hugged? my daughter
How is the weather right now? depressingly grey
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my soon to be ex husband
The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes,smile
Favorite type of Food? I hate liver but I'm craving it now - its Ali's favourite dish
Do you want children? Yes! I already have a daughter, but dream of more!!!
Hair color? Right now red!.
Do you wear contacts? Used to but don't cause I have acute astigmatism
Favorite holiday? Eid ul Fitr
Favorite Season? Winter - perfect time for going to bed early, watch a DVD with someone you love
Have you ever cried over a love lost? Yes, very recently...
Last Movie you watched? at the cinema it was Zorro Returns, at home I don't know the name but it was very funny
What books are you reading? Cry the Beloved Country
Piercings? in my hears
Favorite Movie? Godfather
Favorite college football team? None
What were you doing before filling this out? Reading Juwaira's Boudoir
Favorite animal? Kittens
Favorite drink? Pascual Tropical Juice
Favorite flower? Carnations
Have you ever loved someone? Yes, always the wrong people for different reasons
Who would you like to see right now? My husband, I would hug him and hate him
What color are your bedroom walls? white
Have you ever fired a gun? no
Do you like to travel by plane? absolutely
Right-handed or Left-handed? left
If you could go to any place right now where would you go? Makkah for Umrah
Are you missing someone? yes
Do you have a tattoo? I had my hands hennaed for my Libyan wedding
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? they're on every evening here!!!!
Are you hiding something from someone right now? Perhaps...Are you 18? 18 Plus
What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? a photo of my daughter smiling
Are you afraid of the dark? not really of the dark but of what happens sometimes in the dark
Favorite hangout: The Valletta Waterfront - we used to go there nearly everyday when I was pregnant
3 things you can't live without? My Baby, my baby, my baby
Favorite songs? best song is Ten Quidao by Mayte Martin, and Ana bkash Ana by an Arabic singer
What are you afraid of? being alone
Are you a giver or a taker? I am certainly a giver, sometimes people find my giving too comfortable and stick with taking from me.
What are your nicknames? La Farruca
What is your dad's middle name? Paul
What do you sleep in? I threw out my sexy lingerie, too many connotations with my husband, so now I sleep in ugly cotton pjs
Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing? My daughter.
Favorite TV commercial? don't have one
First thing you'll save in a fire?My daughter
What is your favorite color? Dark Brown
What are the things you always bring with you? clean nappies and measures of Aptamil formula powder
What did you want to be when you were a kid? a mother! I got my wish
What do you usually do when the alarm turns on? Can't afford one, don't need one
What color is your bedsheet? Purple
Who do you want to meet? The love of my life who will not be too complicated
What do you think about before you go to bed? my daughter, what my future brings...

Cookies

2006-10-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

You Are a Fortune Cookie

You're a rather normal person, except that you have extraordinary luck in life.People want to be around you (even when they're a little sick of you), in hopes of being lucky too!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

Tagged

2006-10-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about...New Prospects for Mum's Business
I said...a lot of things I didn't mean
I want.. to turn back the hands of time
I wish... to have a good laugh
I miss... my husband
I hear...my grandparents talking in the kitchen
I wonder... what the judge will say
I regret... my anger
I dance... whenever I want to
I cry... often at the moment
I am not always... punctual
I write... on my blog
I need... a good back massage - my daughter is becoming so heavy it is breaking my back
I finish... everything at the last moment - princess of procrastination

I tag... everyone who is interested

Where Love has Gone

2006-10-11T04:18:00.000-07:00

Your dark eyes flash with knowledge, as the smile that lights your full lips melt my heart. You shake off your suit jacket and loosen your tie.
I'm a new bride, shy to be alone with you for the first time. The embarrassement is causing my make up to melt.

You smile again and take a step closer to me, as you reach out and kiss me. My mauve lipstick is smeared, there's some on your chin.

The zipper of my dress catches, and I giggle anxiously, while finding the sense to kick off my gold high heeled shoes, and help you with the zipper.
I am now in my slip in front of you, and I don't know what to do, so I look up at you with head hanging down. You find that look endearing and kiss me passionately again.
This gives me greater courage, and I tug at your tie; pulling the shirt out of your trousers.

You look upon me with such love, and promise me that from tonight we won't spend one single night apart. We make love, sweet love, that though both of us are inexperienced and shy, we correctly interpret each other's every move and nuance.

And in the morning we wake up entwined. We do ghusl and pray Fajr together. Its the first time I'm spreading my sallaya behind yours; and our togetherness is even better solidified as we perform sajda together.

I know that nothing can drive us apart. We're one. we're soul mates. We were like ships in a storm and found the perfect harbour in each other. My heart is singing for joy as we go down to breakfast together. I'm so joyful I can't manage more than a few sips of freshly brewed coffee. Life is too sweet and fulfilling to need anything other than your love. You're my nutrition. You're the very food of my soul. And we smile trustingly at each other above our coffee cup.

I still love you, Ali. I still believe in us.

What went wrong?

My Friend Ayalguita

2006-10-11T01:07:00.000-07:00

Ta say a big thank you.

You are so understanding, because you are going through the same thing.
Your pain is my pain; and you were willing to share my pain.

You've also given me a contact of a Spanish girl who is coming to Malta. I'm going to help her have a nice experience in her stay here.

You make everything fun, and I can't wait to meet you in Spain. Next summer I'm coming there with my baby and my mother. The two girls will love to play together, I'll enjoy flamenco, and later my little girl will enjoy some clean air in the Retiro and a cleaner sea atmosphere in Galicia.
Ole!

Moving On

2006-10-11T00:52:00.000-07:00

Life is Smiling again.

Sure ,everytime I go out and come back home, I'm always on the verge of shouting "Honey, I'm back!"
But even when we were together, I hardly ever shouted it to anyone - he was always going out, always finding an excuse to go out.
In the evenings it is sad that I'm alone watching TV instead of cuddling, talking and joking with someone I love - but wait - when was the last time we did that?
We had absolutely stopped having fun together.
Intimacy was a disgusting activity I had to put up with - like animals satisfying a need rather that two loving people sharing everything they have in the world.

My daughter is an infinite source of joy to me.
She's the happiest little baby around - talking "goo, ga, aya, boo, brrr" Her smiles are enough to melt the snow of antartica.

I've also started working from home in my mother's business, establishing new contacts. She imports toxin-free detergents and toiletries, and I'm in charge of establishing new contacts and expanding the business. It is fun. Most of it is done from home, so I still spend many hours in the company of my baby, and it is very interesting, I'm meeting new people, and sometimes I have a reason to put on a suit and go out.

The Religion Issue

2006-09-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

My daughterwon't be raised a Muslimah without her father.

It will be already saddening for her that her father left. She'll already feel the discrimination at being of half-Arab parentage, and fatherless; I can't let her go without the catholic celebrations that her class-mates will be enjoying.

To start with communion. The girls are dressed like brides, and have parties thrown in their honour. How will my Baby feel seeing the other children excited about this rite of passage, anticipating their glorious dresses and maybe trips to Euro Disney or big parties with their family or friends? Can I inflict that sense of unbelonging on her? No, I can't; I'll give her a happy life - with ballet lesson, pretty dresses, parties and trips abroad. I've always loved working, and I'd love to work to give me and my baby the life we deserve; the happiness we deserve

Emptiness is...

2006-09-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

the feeling of glancing on my hand and notice that the glimmer of the gold wedding ring is no longer there.

The realisation that I'm alone brings emptiness.

I know my husband is a great guy, and I'd love to give my marriage a second shot; but at what price to me? Will I be hanging on emotionally, only to be heartbroken again and left with too big a mess to deal with later?

Freedom? Loneliness?

2006-09-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

I've been alone for a week now. boy, do I hate it?
The loneliness of having no one. I wake up to the sound of my daughter rooting; and there isn't a strong male body next to me snoring and breathing and keeping me warm.

I make a coffee, one coffee, not two. I always put two sugars, thinking I'm doing coffee for Ali, and then I realise that no, its only my coffee, and I don't like sugar in my coffee.
There's no one to kiss goodbye when he's going to work. No one to bother about cooking him dinner. I'm not cooking dinner for myself, so I have a sandwich instead or I eat with Mum.

There's no where to go. Alone. It is sad. A lone woman and a baby - where can they go?
There's no one to socialise with, having long since dropped out with olf friends who were unmarried and childless, as we had nothing in common.

I had a haircut and colour, and there is no one to tell me that I look beautiful. I waxed my legs, and there's no one to see them and caress them.
I washed Am and put her in some pretty new clothes, and there was no one to call her 'Daddy's Princess'

To have someone who loves me. I thought I had that, but it is gone, like a puff of smoke, like a fire work, like a wave that has broken on against the shore, like sand blown in the wind.
I had it, and its gone, and I don't like it.

DIVORCE

2006-09-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to take.
But I have to take it.

Ali has been slack with paying the rent, bills were piling up. He's got no excuse now. I married him legally, so now he has a right to work in Malta - he does work - and he works very hard - but he is just so irresponsible with money. I never ask for anything for myself. But the bills have to be paid. And Ana needs her nappies and her milk, and sometimes we have to call the doctor and buy her medicine. He has to take care of her, if he is a father he has to put her first.

My parents had done a big sacrifice in accepting him, and in helping him settle into life with us, helping him become assimilated with our culture (since we are living here we wanted him to be comfortable); they even paid for our walimah, when it was his family should have given our walimah - but they didn't want to, and my parents did not want their only daughter to go without a nice wedding.

Our relationship continued to deteriorate. I blamed the fact that a new baby puts pressure on every marriage - and with a cross-cultural marriage things are more difficult. We fought a lot, but I always said 'sorry,' even when things were not my fault, and tried to make him happy. I tried, I tried!!!! I tried everything to make him happy, but nothing did. All he did was complain about everything. Everything. No food, too much food, the way I iron his clothes, the coffee is hot, blah blah blah.

Then one day he hit me. I was carrying the baby in my arms and he hit me because I didn't give her to him so that he could give her the bottle! He was already late for work, so I said, 'no you go to the shower and I'll do this'
He hit me on the head with the bottle.
He hit me in the nose, breaking my spectacles and I got fainted. Thank God I was near the bed and fainted on the bed, otherwise I could have killed my baby.

I know we were having a very difficult time with a new baby and living with my parents. It is never a good idea to live with another family, especially if there is religious differences.
But we were going to live there until I go back to work (6 months) and then we could buy our own beautiful dream-house.

And then on Monday we had a quarrel. Over a present for my grandmother. He said I had spent too much money, which should have been used on some nappies for Am. We quarrelled, he got hold of a suitcase full of his clothes and left, saying he is never coming again.

Now he has found a different flat, and wants us back.

I am not sure what to do. I admit living with my family was hard for him, but he was quick to get very angry and leave.
My parents certainly don't want him back.
And I don't want to have to go to work so soon. I want to spend another 6 months with Am. I was careful to save that money, it will give Am and I a good life - but I don't want to spend any of that money on him.

My baby is my priority now. Why would I live with someone who is practically making me work? Why was he not happy to see me contented and happy, and why did he deal with the situation in such an immature way?

Real Clutter

2006-09-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

Own-closet management is the only thing asked from Ali; otherwise I'll do everything around the house myself. Why Oh Why can't he be neat?!

Go ahead, Highlander, show us your closet! You've showed a great deal so far.

Which Sports Car Are You?

2006-09-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

Highlander's on about cars.
Found this link on Maiuna's Blog and decided to have a go at it

I'm an Audi TT!

You're not the fastest, nor the most nimble, but you're cute and you have style. You're not intensely competitive, but when you pass by, everyone turns to look.
http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar

Letter to Mother in Law

2006-09-03T01:04:00.000-07:00

Daer MiL

We've known each other for a few years now. Yet things have not come full circle between us. Sure, we meet very occasionally, and there is the language barrier where "Naam?" is what we say most frequently in our attempts at making conversations.

But there are things that transcend cultural and linguistic barriers.

First thing is we have to keep in mind our cultural differences. Culture plays a big part - down to how we wash our floors even! I don't wash my floors like you do; yet my house is not cleaner than yours, and your house is not cleaner than mine. I don't like lamb, so I don't cook it - yet Ali has gained weight on my chicken and beef, and he relishes your lamb stews whenever he eats with you; honest, I'm not starving him!

Then there are the issues which do not concern Ali, but which are just between you and me. I'm not a hijjabi, and I resent that you make me a scene because I don't wear gloves when I'm visiting in Libya. I wear hijjab out of respect - even in the house because of your other sons - although I hate being covered in the comfort of home - but please don't try to make me do things I really resent. Black gloves and thick black socks are out!
Don't give me fake jewellery just to give me something. I'm not jealous of Widad that you gave her so much gold. If you don't want to spend on me, then don't; but taking me for a fool is offensive.
I'm not your daughter that you can shout at me and order me around; I take that form my mother who's given me life, and who's showed me enough love to last beyond one lifetime, but I won't take it from someone I consider a stranger.

In return I promise to not be jealous if Amnah shows you love and affection. I promise to keep a balance between you and my own mother where Amnah is concerned.
I'll show more eagerness when Ali suggests we visit Libya.
As a sign of personal goodwill I'll even try to eat on the carpets with you, and I won't send the sofray flying across the living room again - although I swear it was an accident - I had never eaten on the floor like that.

Please understand that I really love your son - so thank you for raising him into the man he is. You changed his nappies, fed him, and took care of him, and you took the leather belt onto his behind when he showed signs of disobedience and rebellion, until he's a greatfamily man now. So thank you! For that I genuinely thank you!

Feet

2006-09-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

On Highlander's request

Amnah's feet.

Ho, no!! You are NOT seeing MY feet! And I don't own any shib-shib either - I'm all the time bare foot in the house, except in the bathroom, and then I use Ali's significantly huge shib-shibs

Ali's New Job

2006-09-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Finally DH's been accepted to work in the Registrar of Company's Office at the Libyan Embassy in Malta. The salary is slightly lower, but he doesn't suffer the sunshine, and the hard physical labour - AND he doesn't bring a ton of dust to the house aymore. Only I got more shirts to iron, but its ok. I'm happy for him. Alhamdulillah.

Akeeka Photos

2006-07-29T01:48:00.000-07:00

Finally photos are ready!!!!
MashaAllah, she looks exactly like a little angel

Mom's Milk

2006-07-22T01:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling strange and sad.
I didn't feed you this night - you had formula instead. I couldn't feed you, darling, not because I don't want to, but because I'm having antibiotics, which would be harmful if passed on to you.

Formula feeding has affected you. You have constipation now; nappy changes have become less frequent, you need feeding less often as formula is heavier than breast milk.

Formula feeding has affected me, too. I have to cope with engorgement; I have to express milk and throw it away to keep from getting a worse infection myself; but worst of all..I have to cope with a broken heart because I miss those peaceful hours we would cuddle up together quietly.

The World Health Organistion recommends breastfeeding for two years.
The first year of breast milk provides health insurance for baby - it reduces the chances of developing gastro-intestinal problems, and respiratory tract infections. Colic and constipation are also diminished.
The second year of breast feeding is meant as a health aid for the mother - protecting against breast cancer and cervical cancer.

The Glorious Quran revealed this fact 1400 years ago. When science was not developed, these facts were revealed to a lone unsophisticated uneducated merchant in the deserts of the Middle East.

I can't wait till I can feed you again, my darling, inshaAllah.
It doesn't matter the pain I feel, or the discomforts I endure, like people sniggering. or the long hours on the bed; your health is the most important aspect. Your health, and my broken heart, that I can't give you the best sustenance.

To hijjab or not to Hijjab, that is the question!

2006-07-20T02:09:00.000-07:00

So now I have a daughter.

I wish to be a better Muslim, set more of a good example.

Next Thursday I'll be able to dedicate myself better to the required 5 daily prayers.
I'm fairly dedicated to keeping away from what is considered haraam and pride myself on following the Sunna as often as possible.

But there's the issue of the dress code. I've never dressed sexily. Long skirts and shirts are my usual 'uniform' or else long shirts with wide trousets.
But I like wearing sleeves up to my elbows in this heat.
And the headscarf doesn't appeal much to me.

But I have a daughter now.
I want to set a good example.
It would make my husband very happy.

It would make my family very angry and sad. They still equate the hijjab to the oppression of women in Islam, even though they've seen that I'm not living the life of the oppressed.
It would also be very expensive - I'd have to re-haul all my summer clothes - and buy the scarves too!! Right now finances are tight - so that money is better spent on things for Amnah instead of on clothes.

Then there's my job. I'm re-training as a teacher. Malta is by constitution a catholic country, although freedom of worship is guaranteed. But they will not let me practice teaching in a government school wearing hijjab. And of course, catholic schools are not an option for me.

what's this mum to decide?

Tribute to Baba Salem

2006-07-14T00:53:00.000-07:00

Salaam Aleykum ya Baba.

I was scared to meet you first time I cam to Libya. your daughter had run off with a Maltese man, you were very angry, so I thought you just hate all the Maltese.

We arrived by car. There was no way you could know that this car, driving up your street, was coming to your door, bringing your favourite son and his bride to you. We didn't tell you, it was a surprise.
But you knew!! Always a wise old man, with a sense of intuition, as I would find out later.
You came to greet the car in your traditional jallabiyya, and hugged Ali to your chest. you were so happy to see your son, your newly married son.

I kissed your hand and touched it to my forehead, as Ali had taught me how. It seemed to embarass you "Shukran, shukran, shukran. Marhaba ya binti" And you presented me with a beautiful bracelet as a wedding gift, which you went to the Souk in the Medinah, and selected yourself!
How could I not love you?
Ali and I had faced a lot of racism already, in our month of marriage, your warm welcome and acceptance brought tears of happiness to my face.

Without ever telling you anything about what problems we were facing in our marriage, you always helped us through. Oh your sense of intuition!!!! You would always pass a badly-needed comment - the most important being "Don't care what people say, just take care of each other, you two" It helped us see what is important when we were on the edge of divorcing after Salma stepped in between us.

Our relationship with you was a long and loving one, I cannot tell all the anecdotes and all the memories I have of you.

Then you fell ill. Oh! What a long an painful illness! your body was eaten away, little by little; little by little. "Ya Kareem, " I prayed each night "How could you let this happen to the gentlest man in the world?"
In the end you passed away, holding a photo pf my daughter in your hands.

Poor Aminah never had the pleasure of meeting you; never had the pleasure of being held in your arms.

But when I see her smiling to herself, I know there's a special malayka that has come to play with her.

And I know that special angel is her beloved Jiddu Salem.

Sweet Child of Mine

2006-07-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

Born on 16-6-2006 at 4 in the morning.

All night in labour, I was so tired, but immediately I heard your cry, and the midwife handed you into my arms, all the tiredness flew away, all the pain disappeared and a new heart was born in my chest which I gave all to you.

I love you my daughter, for you are beautiful, mashaAllah.
I love you my daughter, for you are such a good little baby.
I love you my daughter, for you are sooooo special.

I love you my daughter, cause you brought a new happiness into our life.

I love you my daughter, for you gave ma a chance to assist God in performing a miracle. The miracle of life. The miracle that is you!